tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-56451385109293718.post7272458632072655154..comments2024-03-28T08:07:59.673-04:00Comments on Passion for the Past: MourningHistorical Kenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04979801752112100293noreply@blogger.comBlogger3125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-56451385109293718.post-19594943134035393092009-01-02T15:29:00.000-05:002009-01-02T15:29:00.000-05:00Thank you so much Geri Ann for such kind comments ...Thank you so much Geri Ann for such kind comments and sentiments. It truly does mean so much to us.Historical Kenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04979801752112100293noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-56451385109293718.post-80559347238545889342009-01-01T19:11:00.000-05:002009-01-01T19:11:00.000-05:00It must be no coincidence that I read your deeply ...It must be no coincidence that I read your deeply moving account of your wife's grief over the passing of her mother (my sincerest and most heartfelt condolences to her and to you) on this New Year's day. This year of 2009 will mark the 10-year anniversary of the loss of my own mother.<BR/><BR/>My mother was not just my mother, but also my best friend, the person to whom I was closest on this earth. Losing her was a devastating blow that took me a number of years to come to terms with.<BR/><BR/>I had one erstwhile friend who, at the two-year mark of losing my mom, wrote to me and said, "Shouldn't you be further along in the grieving process than you are? Parents die. Get over yourself!" The implication being that since I wasn't "further along" in the "grieving process," (a term I hate, by the way, as "grieving process" makes it sound like a nice, neat little package that has a beginning, middle, and end) I must be "doing it wrong" because if I were "doing it right," I'd be "further along" at the two-year mark than I was. And as for "Parents die" and "get over yourself," - well, I know insensitive comments like that contributed to the end of that particular friendship.<BR/><BR/>Someone said there is no "shelf life" on grief, no "expiration date" on mourning. They are so right.<BR/><BR/>Again, my deepest sympathies and condolences to you both. <BR/><BR/>Geri Ann<BR/><BR/>P.S. If you see my email address appearing as "catmom561@earthlink.net," it has changed to "catmom561@cox.net." I haven't been able to figure out how to get it changed on my Google account!Catmomhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06310232983749240178noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-56451385109293718.post-5835589226748439412008-12-31T18:26:00.000-05:002008-12-31T18:26:00.000-05:00The following comments are from friends who have r...The following comments are from friends who have read this post and responded with an email directly to me:<BR/><BR/>You and especially Patty have had first hand experience with the challenges of how we are not "allowed" to mourn today.<BR/>A historian of mortuary science once commented that every era has its forbidden topic. In the 19th century that topic was sex and in our era it is death. My thought about that is that while not everyone had sex in the past (or at any time), but everyone dies eventually. It was easier to hide sex as it was (and still should be!) a private matter between two people, but it hard to ignore death. As a result we have to work very hard to block any obvious acknowledgement of the existence of death, including mourning for those who have died.<BR/>I was particularly stunned that anyone would question a Christian feeling sad at the death of a loved one. Mourning the loss of a loved on in your life has nothing to do with religion. No matter what your beliefs, we still won't see that person again in this lifetime. We aren't sad for the person who died, but sad for ourselves because of their absence from our lives.<BR/>We should be allowed to mourn in ways that we need to come to terms with our losses, but current society doesn't know what to do with such emotions.<BR/>I could go on even more of course, but I would be preaching, not just to the choir, but more like to the "preacher."<BR/>My deepest condolences to Patty and your whole family on all your recent losses. Patty can feel free to cry on my shoulder any time. I might just join her in a few tears for the kind of losses we all carry buried in our hearts even after the passage of many years.<BR/><BR/>Glenna Jo<BR/>-----------------------<BR/><BR/>I agree completely with Glenna Jo.<BR/><BR/>You've said no more than I've been saying for a long time. As you know, I work as a Samaritan and so many people who phone us are grieving or hurting largely because they've not been allowed to work through these painful feelings at their own pace in their own way. They need to express their pain and we're often the only people to give them both permission and unlimited time.<BR/><BR/>Patty, my love, your dear ones live on in your heart and in the hearts of your family. The first year without them, as you must surely know, is the worst one - first Christmas, first birthday, first anniversary. Gradually, though, the pain is easier to live with and you will be able to remember, crying or laughing and always with love.<BR/><BR/>Grief is also difficult for the one supporting the bereaved, and your blog suggests that you too need a time to grieve, Ken. How are you coping?<BR/>Sandra<BR/>---------------------------<BR/><BR/>Thank you so much for sharing this -<BR/><BR/>Our society wants to forbid us the indulgence of mourning - to hurry up and get "on" with life and simply suck up the grief. Your piece has reminded us that our loved ones do not pass lightly from our world and from our hearts - and although the pain eases with time - we need to be able to take the time - however long needed.<BR/>Love, (cousin) RoHistorical Kenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04979801752112100293noreply@blogger.com